Sucking At Mom-Life
It’s been several months stinky. We’ve had a pretty tumultuous and eventful Spring, Summer and now Fall. You are so big, smart, beautiful, sassy, and completely infuriating at times. I go through so many emotional roller coasters throughout the day I’m not quite sure how long my heart can take this. I go from loving you so hard one minute to screaming my head off the next. All I can say to you is, I’m sorry for who I am right now and on most days feel terrible that you’re stuck with me. Sometimes the days feel endless baby girl and fleeting all the same. I honestly don’t know where to begin to explain the feelings I’m going through with you at this stage in our relationship. So, I’m sure I’ll regret this at some point, but I’m just going to be completely honest with you. Hopefully one day when you’re old enough or have a child of your own you’ll understand my madness.
Sweet pea, at times I feel like you’re absolutely possessed. So much so that I feel like any day we’ll be visited by priests, social workers and/or police. Either to exorcise the derranged toddler inside you or simply to put me in a straight jacket. No matter what I do, how patient I try to be or how much I give… my body feels like I’ve been to war at the end of every day. Only its just a brief surrender or intermission and I have to get ready to gear up, put on my war paint and hope I don’t get hit with toddler shrapnel as you explode into a million little pieces of rage the very next day.
The strange thing is, at the end of every day – on the days you’ve acted like a complete psychopath for at least 75% of it, the only person I blame is myself. On days when you’re sweet, angelic, polite, and cuddly I thank you for being such a good girl and count my lucky stars how blessed I am to have such a smart and strong little girl. So whether you’re being good or bad it’s always my fault and not in a good way. How does that work?
I try so hard to keep my cool, I plan fun outings and activities to keep you occupied, growing and learning and somehow I always fall short. Whether I’ve given you the wrong sippy cup, not let you put on your shoes by yourself or managed to give you apple slices instead of the whole apple – you let me know I’m failing with your irrational displays of pure insanity. I’m shocked that our new neighbors haven’t called social services on me.
I know I sound like the worst mother on the entire planet, and the droves of mommy shamers will be out for my head, but this is my reality right now; and I call absolute bullshit on those insta-mommies who are completely winning at life. Honestly, if you’re kids an angel and you don’t have to say the same thing thirteen times and reach several octaves in the process, congratulations and I’m envious and completely loathe you. This Mom, your Mom, Me… I’m sucking hard at this stay at home mom gig. There are rare moments when I feel like I’m doing okay and the Mommy-Gods of yesteryear are shining their love and pride filled glitter dust on me, but then in an instant the dark clouds find me and its raining legos, play-doh and tantrums. That shit gets everywhere and it stains.
I literally live and breathe for you baby girl, but lately I’m finding it difficult to catch my breath. Everything I do is for you and our family and somehow you, your Dad and even the dog are always mad at me. When you’re laughing, loving life and I’m your favorite person to snuggle and play with I wish I could freeze time and space and be stuck with you in happy toddler land forever. However, those moments are rare and far in between these days and I don’t know what else to do. All I can do is keep being this hot mess of a mom that I am and hope that every ounce of effort that I give, every little and big gesture of love that I throw out there will mean something someday. If not for you, maybe one day I’ll be content with being this person.
There are just things that I’m going to suck at sweetie, I’m going to make mistakes, I’m going to get angry, my patience can only go so far (seriously, you’re crazy)… and for that I’m monumentally sorry. I can’t however, apologize for the things that I do to ensure this little butthole toddler you are at times turns into a butthole adult forever. Even if that means that on most days I’m on the top of your enemies list.
I guess sweet – insane – little girl, what I’m trying to say in this horrible letter to you is that mommy is having a really hard time right now. I’m finding it harder and harder every day to find any value to what I’m doing here at home with you. I feel and look like I’ve been hit by a truck on a daily basis and I don’t know if that is changing anytime soon. I’m so sorry baby girl, but I’m failing you. I’m desperately trying to find a balance between being a good mother, a supportive wife and an organized homemaker and I’m struggling hardcore. I know I probably sound like I’m going to give up, but I promise I will never give up on you, ever. And part of that means that I can’t give up on me, as hard as it is sometimes to see the light. I love you baby girl, that will never change no matter how many tantrums you throw in a day. I just need you to know that we’ll get through this. Somehow or another we’ll get past Mommy sucking at life. Just give the damn whining and crying a freakin’ rest every now and again…
Your exhausted, unkempt, anxious and neurotic Mother,
~Melvi
P.S The photo of you above is of my happiest memory of this Fall thus far. We were making “Brinner” for dinner and you asked to help me. You used the hand mixer for the first time and you lit up with so much joy I was so happy and proud. You were so excited about helping me and so serious and precise about measuring the ingredients. I’d deal with a few tantrums to relive that moment with you. I hope you always find excitement in cooking and helping your Momma out. We’ll see how the holiday baking goes this year. Fingers crossed for laughter and peace.
