As I sit here in this hospital room, watching three nurses surrounding your bedside, asking question after question, poking you with needles, hooking you up to so many contraptions my head is spinning. I’m forced to put on a brave face for you and our baby girl. I slowly let my mind drift to my safe place while the noise and chatter of this emergency room fade into a fog.
“Can you please state your full name and date of birth.”
“When did this all start?”
“How long have you had trouble breathing?”
“Does this hurt when I apply pressure here…”
“How long have you had a fever?”
My stomach is shaking as I give our daughter a little smile to reassure her that everything is okay. “Mommy’s here sweet pea, everything is okay.” My mind wandering, thinking about all the missed opportunities that possibly went by that I forgot to say thank you. All the late night trips to the kitchen, because I wanted a snack or refused to drink tap water. The thousands of times you opened doors for me, and led me into a room by the small of my back; making me feel adored, protected and loved. The times you flew my Mother in, because you knew that I needed her. The way you are somehow two steps ahead of me, knowing exactly what I need or want before my scrambled brain even gets there. If I listed all the little and big romantic gestures and thoughtful moments you’ve created for me I’d never stop typing. I know that there are so many things to be grateful for in this big and beautiful life we are so fortunate enough to live, but you my sweet husband… I can write a thank you card to the universe every single day and it still wouldn’t be enough. Considering the time of year, the universe may be testing my gratitude for you. I hope my thoughts and prayers have been loud enough for it to give us a little break right now. I need to see you smile again, I need to see you well.
Typically, people are reminded in late November that they need to pause, reflect, and share their gratuitous thoughts for their family, friends, job, new car, or rent controlled condo. Whether they got on a plane, drove down the road, or carpooled with a friend across state lines, people gathered with their loved ones for Thanksgiving. They ate, they drank, they laughed, had forced conversations and awkward moments. It all comes with the territory of the Holiday season and when you are cornered into seeing people you only care to see once a year. Reminiscing about old times, catching people up on your life, getting the typical passive aggressive zingers from an Aunt or your Mother. All while eating your body weight in turkey and pies and watching football or the Macy’s Day Parade. The thing is, that isn’t what you and I are about. We would rather just be with each other, than packed into a house with a bunch of people. We are about small gatherings, good conversation, stolen kisses while passing the corn bread and pernil, and being grateful for what is truly important, every day. Not just showing up for one another because the calendar says it is a Holiday, but truly being thankful and grateful all year long for the things you have, the things you are working towards, and the few people that make your life livable. You are my person baby, that makes every day livable, the person that I’m most grateful for. On this day, on Thanksgiving day, on a random Tuesday, every day…
Our relationship has always been filled with obstacles and hardships, no different than every one else. Thing is, you and I have always taken those moments and used them to build a stronger bond and find the light, always. We’ve made an art of managing hard times and getting through them with humor and grace. And I know that once the doctor comes through that door with some valid answers or a diagnosis, I will be able to breathe again and work towards seeing the humor and light in all of this. However, right now I’m finding it difficult to stay strong, but I have no other option. Somehow I’m keeping it together because when I look into our daughters beautiful little face, I see you. She looks so much like you, and I can see your spirit in her. Her smile, and her silly little antics have been keeping me grounded. Baby, I need you to get well and get well quick so I can tell you again and again in every way possible how grateful I am for you and what we share.
I tell people all the time that I’m not sure what I did in this life to deserve you, and I’ll keep telling people that for the rest of my days. You’re better than any romantic comedy or love story I obsessed over growing up and greater than all the sappy proposal stories combined. I know I call you my Mr. Darcy, but that Englishman has absolutely nothing on you. I truly am so honored to share all the ups and downs with you. The comfy Sunday’s at home where we order our favorite pizza and binge on the latest Netflix stories or get fancy and have a night out on the town. The moments we get to share watching our little girl grow and seeing how excited she gets when you walk through the door from your most recent worldly travels. I’m so grateful for all the ridiculous highs, and even the current lows; pacing through hospital corridors and trying to entertain an 11 month old all while trying to avoid her touching every inch of this waiting room.
Six years ago, you came into my life out of nowhere, and I have been forever changed and forever grateful for your light. I know that this Thanksgiving weekend hasn’t been our typical low key shenanigans, but you and I both know we don’t need a Holiday to show each other how much we care for one another. So, listen up husband I need you to get your shit together and kick this thing, whatever it is right in the ass. We need you to come home, we have our daughters first Christmas tree to decorate and we have a million more ways to show you how thankful we are for you yesterday, today, and always…
Waiting impatiently for your speedy recovery,
Your anxious adoring wife,