I saw you through the window as I parked my car. I was so nervous seeing you like this, in this way. I wasn’t sure if I was going to have the nerve to even get out of my car, my legs were refusing to work. Then I saw you sitting there with your coffee, shifting in your seat, adjusting your sweater and I felt a wide smile come across my face.
Were you nervous about seeing me? How could a girl like me ever make a man like you nervous? Whether my mind was playing tricks on me or not it was the confidence boost I needed to walk out of my car and meet you inside. Your smile and warm embrace sent a bolt through my body and woke up the butterflies in my stomach. So handsome, so unbelievably sexy, so smart…
I could not believe I was here with you.
I was being careful or at least I thought I was. I didn’t know what this cup of coffee meant to you. Was it just coffee and catching up? Or did your thoughts match mine? I felt transparent, because in my head the thoughts were starting to make me blush. Thoughts of our fingers intertwined, my lips on your neck…
I was being crazy, how could you want me, but how could you not?
We talked about school and work and the tone of your voice was intoxicating. It was always what drew me to you; that drawl, the thick, earthy sound of a hidden story I so desperately wanted to hear. Oh, and that body…
The smell of coffee and the chatter that once filled the cafe was now a blur. The only thing in clear focus was you. I could’ve been anywhere with you and not noticed a single thing around us. How I hoped that this was more than just coffee.
The nerves in my stomach were playing tricks on me. I was concentrating on not coming off like the immature twenty-something that I was and trying to sound like I could be a worthy companion for your brilliant mind.
You glanced at my hands and commented on my silly gloves, how you liked them and hadn’t really seen them before. I don’t think I’ll ever know if you truly liked them or were just being kind, but I didn’t care. It meant you were looking at me, taking notice of what I had on. I mentioned how they also made them for men and that is all it took. What started as playful banter about my fuzzy, white, fingerless gloves ended up being a tiny adventure around town. The prize was a pair of gloves for you, but my prize was being able to sit next to you in your car.
I felt so important in those moments with you. I wasn’t just a girl anymore, I was a woman with a man… talking and laughing about everything and anything we saw in each store. I was your equal in that moment. From the outside looking in, people would assume we were good friends, maybe even lovers. Every time you looked at me I felt my knees go weak. I cursed myself for wearing heels, but I had assumed we’d be sitting at a cafe all night. Either way, I didn’t want the evening to end. Being near you set me on fire and besides the embrace at the start of the evening we hadn’t even touched.
I could only imagine what it would be like to be in your arms, taste your lips, smell your skin. I wanted you to see me, all of me and I hoped that I could see all the intimate bits of you. What kind of music you listened to when you were alone, what you were currently reading, how you took your coffee and what you were like as a boy. I wanted to know everything about you. Mostly in that moment I wanted to know how your body would feel under my fingertips and if I could manage to make you blush if I shared my thoughts with you.
By the third store we succeeded in finding you a pair of black, manly, fingerless gloves. Your smile and excitement over them made me warm inside. You were such an adult, so mature and yet there was this boyish charm about you that I couldn’t get enough of. All I wanted was for you to give me a sign of what this evening was for you before you dropped me back off at my car. Was I just a friend that would make you laugh and go searching for silly accessories with? Or was I a woman you could see yourself spooning with while we cursed the alarm on a Saturday morning? Maybe I wasn’t that woman at all, just the girl who was kidding herself the entire evening.
When we got to my car we both got out. We exchanged a few pleasantries about our evening together and even though I wasn’t sure where this would go, I was so grateful to have that night with you. You hugged me goodbye and I got in the car. The heat didn’t work in my 97’ Ford Taurus, but my entire body felt warm and alive. It was going to be torture waiting to see when and if you’d call or text me again.
I was so glad that I didn’t have to wait too long, you texted me before I even got home.
“It was so great seeing you, I’d love to see you again. Want to go see a movie this weekend?”
I let out a high pitched squeal! Thank goodness you couldn’t visibly see me doing my happy dance.
“Yes, I’d love to,” I replied.
“Think we could hold hands while wearing our fingerless gloves?”
Are you kidding me? It would be the only thing I could think about until I saw you again.
“Absolutely,” I wrote back.
I felt like I was floating. Maybe you did see what was clearly going on in my mind about you, about us. Because from the moment I locked eyes with you in that cafe, I was already yours. For the rest of the night all I could think about was what it would feel like to be yours completely.
We saw each other for a couple of weeks. He made me feel smart and important. The first time he kissed me there wasn’t an inch of my body that didn’t feel it. I wondered if he had the same reaction to me. We watched movies at his place, cuddled on the couch, talked about music and books. He was an absolute dream. We kissed as our hands discovered bits and pieces of flesh, but we were taking things slow and I loved that about him. It seemed like he truly cared about me and possibly wanted a future with me. I was beaming with happiness the entire time we were, whatever we were…
As life would have it, things ended abruptly. I can’t really get into the why, but it ended and I was crushed. I never stopped thinking of him. It always felt like there was unfinished business, maybe not for him, but for me. It wasn’t over for me…
For several years I wondered if he ever thought about me, if maybe things had been different he could see himself waking up to this crazy haired girl who hung on his every word. I always wondered what it would’ve felt like to have his warm body against mine. If I close my eyes I could still smell his skin and feel his kiss.
Maybe in another life.
“But, we were something, don’t you think so?
Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool
And if my wishes came true
It would’ve been you
In my defense, I have none…
I persist and resist the temptation to ask you
If one thing had been different
Would everything be different today?
…And it would’ve been sweet
If it could’ve been me
But it would’ve been fun
If you would’ve been the one.”