“No More Monsters, I Can Breathe Again”
I wish I could go back in time to tell myself, “You are your worst enemy. You are your scariest monster. Don’t let that bitch kill you.” That just isn’t how life works though…
There are so many times in my life where I have found myself in a hole, looking up at my imperfections, my flaws, my mistakes, my failures, my fears and insecurities. I think about how far I have to climb to get out of the hole, and sometimes it feels impossible. Looking back at different stages of my life, when I’ve found myself at the bottom of that hole on my knees, just hoping for the end; praying for nothing but darkness. For someone who knows depression, that is the scariest place to find yourself, and even when you claw your way out you know the monsters will be back again. A couple of months ago this place was my reality. I was in pain, broken, overwhelmed, and lost. I just broke, and even the beautiful things in my life couldn’t glue the pieces back together. People seem to think that just because you have “everything” that you must be happy. Hear me now, I have everything. Everything that I have ever hoped for and dreamed of and somehow the monsters still find me and throw me down that deep and dark hole. This past June I was drowning in that hole, and I thought it was the end of me. Some day I will be strong enough to share the story that was almost my last, just know that today, I’m okay.
Even though I was letting my demons and their monsters get the best of me, somehow someone was watching over me. For weeks I had forgotten who I was, how important I am, and how strong I could be. I may not be important to you, but I’m important to her. My little girl, who saves me from myself every day, along with her beautiful Daddy. Thats the thing about depression, it doesn’t care what is real, what is right or who or what you have in your life. It will pick and prod at your insecurities until all you can see is black. Until all you want and all you desire is nothing.
With the grace of God, all the Gods, divine intervention, destiny, Faith, hope, and pure luck I clawed my way out of the hole, and I’m fortunate to be here today to share a bit of my story. Every day I feel a little bit stronger, more confident, and I’m finally coming to peace with who I am. I still have bad days, but now they are short, rare and are faced with strength and reason. Somehow, the fighter inside me talks boisterously out of turn and louder than the monsters; she’s grown quite feisty. Last week, after months of feeling balanced, I felt myself slipping into my hole again, and then I heard a song. I quickly downloaded the entire album and played this song on repeat as I made my way through the day. Each time the words piercing me a little deeper, each lyric beating down my insecurities and waking me up. Giving me the strength I needed until I was singing/screaming the words at the top of my lungs as I drove through and around my responsibilities that day.
This song means something completely different to Kesha Rose Sebert, who wrote it. However through her struggles, pain and gifts I was able to find the peace and strength I needed to keep my head up and my feet moving. Please read these lyrics, listen to the song, watch the video. It is fantastically weird and beautiful. Just like me.
Kesha, thank you for saying everything that I needed to hear, and singing with such fire, grace and reckless abandonment. My heart, soul and daughter are forever grateful.
~Melvi
“Praying”
By, Kesha
Well, you almost had me fooled
Told me that I was nothing without you
Oh, but after everything you’ve done
I can thank you for how strong I have become
‘Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I’ll just say this is “I wish you farewell”
I hope you’re somewhere prayin’, prayin’
I hope your soul is changin’, changin’
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin’
I’m proud of who I am
No more monsters, I can breathe again
And you said that I was done
Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come
‘Cause I can make it on my own
And I don’t need you, I found a strength I’ve never known
I’ll bring thunder, I’ll bring rain, oh
When I’m finished, they won’t even know your name
You brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I’ll just say this is “I wish you farewell”
I hope you’re somewhere prayin’, prayin’
I hope your soul is changin’, changin’
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin’
Oh, sometimes, I pray for you at night
Someday, maybe you’ll see the light
Oh, some say, in life, you’re gonna get what you give
But some things only God can forgive
I hope you’re somewhere prayin’, prayin’
I hope your soul is changin’, changin’
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin’
