I’ll Never Stop Holding My Breath
Monday, March 13 2017
You are almost fifteen months old and it still amazes me every day how quickly the time seems to go by. It feels like just yesterday that your Daddy and I were walking down the isle, hand in hand, making our forever commitment to one another. It was just two years ago that we made one of the hastiest and best decisions of our lives. On a romantic and quiet date night on January 16, 2015 we went out to celebrate our one year countdown to our original wedding date. We were both so excited, and in love and had an amazing evening together. We had stars in our eyes and a love in our hearts that could not be contained. By the time we got home we decided that waiting a year to get married was not an option for us. With the help of your Abuela, an amazing event planner, and some close friends we were able to plan our dream wedding in TWO months. We were married on a rainy Friday evening in our favorite city. On March 13, 2015, your Daddy finally made an honest woman out of me. One of the reasons we wanted to get married so quickly, was because we were ready to start a family. Something that is very important for you to know is that you were loved, and wanted from the moment your Daddy and I said, “I do.” We moved up our wedding, and threw caution to the wind because we couldn’t wait to meet you. Luckily and fortunately, every God and every star was on our side, because we got pregnant with you just one month after our wedding day. If your parents had any semblance of patience and waited until January 16, 2016 to get married we would’ve never had the chance to meet the love of our lives. We would’ve missed the opportunity to hold you in our arms, and kiss your little fingers and toes. We wouldn’t have heard your wonderful little laugh, and would not have had our hearts filled and consumed by the greatest amount of love imaginable. You, my sweet pea are our greatest decision and our greatest gift.
You are growing into such a smart, strong, and independent little soul, it overwhelms me sometimes. I feel like just yesterday you were this tiny little angel in my arms at the hospital, cradled so close to me and relying on me for everything. Now you are learning to do so many things on your own; washing your hands, feeding yourself, picking out your favorite books, and playing on your own. I know you’re still a toddler, but you are growing so fast I feel like you’ll be heading off to college soon. It’s so hard to explain, and I could never quite understand it when I heard other parents speak of it, but time goes by in a hurry once you have a child of your own. I swear it was just yesterday that I was on maternity leave and I could lay you down in one spot and you’d never budge. Now, I can’t keep my eyes off of you for one second because if I do you’d be drinking out of the dog bowl, and putting all your books in the toilet within seconds. Currently, the dog and your books are your favorite things. Every morning you run to our room where the dog sleeps and you cuddle up to him in his dog bed. Then once you’re bored of that you head into your room, grab a few books and sit in your chair and “read” to yourself. It’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen, and I wish you’d stay this way forever.
I know it’s unreasonable and selfish, but there are times I wish you’d need me forever. It is such a strange feeling to have, wanting your baby to grow and blossom into their own person, yet never want them to leave your side at the same time. You will only understand the feeling, if you decide to become a mother one day. I wish I could slow everything down, but I’ll just have to make amends with time for now and cherish every single second I get to be your Mommy. Just last night, your Daddy and I went out to celebrate our two year anniversary. It was our first date night since you were born. We got semi-dolled up, got a baby sitter and went to a fancy little restaurant to celebrate us. The us that we were before we were married, the us we became after our vows, and the us we are now raising a chubby, crazy haired little toddler. The food, drinks, and service was amazing. We got to have a conversation without being distracted by life, and before we even finished our entree’s we had already decided that we were getting our dessert to-go, because we wanted to get home to you. You were already asleep when we arrived and we heard you were such a good girl. Your Daddy and I didn’t say it aloud, but we both felt like we could breathe again as soon as we saw you on the monitor, knowing you were only a flight of stairs away if you needed us.
I need you to understand that even though parts of my heart want you to stay my little girl forever, there are bigger parts of it that want you to be able to fly. I hope one day for the ground to shake under your feet, and for the confidence and strength you already have in your walk to guide you through all of life’s obstacles. With the mixture of your sweet silliness and your determination, I know that you will one day move mountains. I will do my best to guide you, nurture you, and love you with every that I am. I’ll eventually come to terms with the fact that one day you’ll live in a house that hasn’t been baby proofed, that doesn’t have socket covers and baby gates, and you won’t need me to rock you to sleep. Just remember that from the moment you learned to walk, run up the stairs, jump off the couch, to riding your first bicycle, and learning to drive, I will always be holding my breath until I know you’re safe and sound. It won’t ever matter how strong you are, how independent you’ve become or how capable you are at maneuvering successfully through life, you will always be my chubby, crazy haired little girl that I dreamt about before I even knew your Daddy. But, before you learn to bust through those baby gates, before you find your wings and fly, please, please just be my silly little girl who needs her Mommy to hold her and kiss her good night, for just a little longer.
I love you more than words could ever explain.
Your Adoring Mother,
“Though she be but little, she is fierce!”